How To Be Proft At Work

  • Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

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  • Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

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  • Include a personal note on every email you send:
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  • Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

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  • Insist that your e-mail address be "[email protected]"

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  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

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  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

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  • Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

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  • Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

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  • Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

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  • Come to work in your pajamas.

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  • Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

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  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

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  • Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names:
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  • Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

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  • Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

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  • Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

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  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

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  • Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

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  • Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

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  • No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

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  • Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

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  • Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

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  • Grow mold in your coffee cup.

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  • Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

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  • Put on your headphones whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

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  • When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

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  • Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

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  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

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  • Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

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  • Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

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  • "Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

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  • Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

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  • Email nude GIFs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

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  • Hang mistletoe over your desk.

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  • Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

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  • While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

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  • Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

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  • Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

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  • For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

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  • Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

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